Happy Birthday to Me!

228/365...And the award for the most fashionable teacher goes to....
Originally uploaded by WakingUp~R E E S E~

In just a few short days I will be turning 37. Wow. I find it hard to believe. In many ways I do not feel 37. Most the time I think I look 25 and a good amount of that time I feel I have a personality of a 25 year old.

I do feel that I have the wisdom that comes with my age. I have lived a full life and have had my challenges. I have grown from these challenges. There are some challenges that I am still learning and growing from. That is one of self-acceptance.

I want my 37th year to be one of personal growth. One in which I learn to love myself as I am… learn to see myself as others see me. I am going to commit to not compare myself to what media portrays as the “perfect woman”. I am going to accept what I should know: That I am a wonderful person: a wonderful, loving mother, a beautiful woman, A sensual woman, a classy woman.

Last spring I embarked on a photo-taking journey to record the daily me. I joined 365 Days on flickr. I joined this group for couple of reasons… (One) a journey in self-acceptance and (two) a journey in learning photography skills. There have been some days that picking up the camera and taking a picture of myself was the last thing I wanted to do. I missed a number of days in the Fall of 07 while I was suffering from various illness… one of which being depression.

As I look back at the photos I notice that I have gained some skills. I am happy with where I am at with my new photography skills. I have lots to learn, but I have learned a great deal and love it.

I look back at my photos about me. I have noticed a few things. One is my smile. When my smile is genuine it is a bright and beautiful thing to me. I see a sparkle in my eyes when it is a genuine smile. I have noticed that there are days that I just do not smile. That is the me that I don’t enjoy seeing. That is the me that I hope people don’t see.

Over the past few months I have thought a lot about what people say to me… the compliments that they give me about whom I am as an individual. They say I am beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, sexual, and sensual. I have wondered where this comes from. The majority of the time I do not see myself that way. I have told people that I am not those things. But I have begun to realize that if I continue to tell people that I am not those things then they are going to stop seeing me as those things. Instead of trying to convince them that I am not those things, I have decided that I need to start trusting their opinion of me… start believing in the me that they see. If I can open my heart and believe in myself the way they believe in me, WoW what a new world it will be for me.

Trust is a big thing for me right now in my life. It is a something I value, but something that I have a hard time doing. For years I lived in an emotionally abusive marriage. One in which there was no trust. My husband cheated on my several times. I did not trust him and I did not believe in myself because of it.

I believed that I wasn’t good enough because my husband went elsewhere to have his needs fulfilled. It is something that is hard to get over… it takes times. A lot of false beliefs were developed during those years.

I covered up the wounds and kept myself busy during those years… didn’t allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t feel happiness, I didn’t feel pain. I look at it as covering a wound with a band-aid but not treating the infection. My life was infected… infected with a very unhealthy relationship.

I had the belief that I had to give my marriage my all… not give up. When problems started to surface in my marriage we decided to stick together but the major mistake at that time was that we didn’t address the issues. They were just swept under the rug… they were there, but not seen. This made matters worse… the infection grew, but just covered with more band-aids.

Without going into too much detail, I will just say that I on the surface I carried on like I was okay. I was a mother, a wife, and a career woman. My life was busy…. Very busy. If I slowed down it was miserable, because I could feel the pain.

One day my brother asked me if I was happy. For the first time in 6 years, I looked into myself and said NO, I was not happy.

I left what was making me unhappy. Leaving was only the first step. I have over come many things since leaving that relationship. And it was hard. There have been hard times since and there are still hard times to come.

As a birthday present to myself, I am going to dedicate this next year to learning to love myself again. I have already started. I look back over the past 3 years since leaving my ex husband and see key points along the path that I have taken a glimpse within myself and have seen who I truly am. I want to have more than a glimpse. I want to have those moments more than once every few months. So this year I am giving myself the gift of self-love. I am going to improve my relationship with myself and in turn my relationship with my children and others.

So, join me in wish myself a Happy Birthday! To my 37th year! May if be the best yet! With many more to come after that!

225/353...Scars

225/353...Scars
Originally uploaded by WakingUp~R E E S E~

Recently ceese shared a 13 things post about her scars. I thought it was so cool that I decided that I would borrow her idea and do one of my own. So here it goes:

1. The oldest scar I have that I remember anything about is on the bottom knuckle of my left pointer finger. I was around 5 years old when it happened. I was playing with scissors and cut the skin on my knuckle. There is a backwards C shaped scar that is about 1/3 of an inch in size .

2. My oldest sister was quite the bossy individual when I was growing up. She was always trying to make me clean when I didn't want to. One day I was skating on the front porch (wearing the old metal skates that attached to your shoes). She wanted me to come in and clean. I wouldn't and she wouldn't leave me alone. I got mad and slammed the glass door shut and as I did my left hand went through the door cutting my hand below my thumb on the palm side of my hand. I was about 10 when this happened.

3. Also when I was ten I had a major wreck on my bike. I hit the pavement right in front of our home and knocked out my front tooth. I cut my upper lip and I still have a scar that runs from my left nostril to my lip.

4. When I was 11 I had surgery to remove a cyst on my right hand... just below the pointer finger, palm side. The scar is about 3/4" long with dots on both sides.

5. I have a scar on the bottom of my left foot that I received from stepping on a piece of glass.

6. When I was in high school my knees use to give out on me without warning. One night after a dance I was running over to a friend's car. One minute I was running, the next I was on the asphalt crying with a bleeding knee.

7. On the other knee I have a similar scar from a similar incident. I was running in an alley way to my uncle's store and carrying a bolt of fabric with me. It had been raining and I was trying to avoid puddles when my knee gave out and I fell to the ground. I banged up my knee but nothting happened to the fabric (I was glad because it was expensive Prom dress fabric).

8. The fall of my 8th grade year my friends and I use to swim in the creek a lot. We would walk through wheat fields to get to different parts of the creek. I received a scratch near my left ankle by the wheat stalk (is that what they are called?). It ended up with infection in the cut because a kernel of wheat was inside the cut and I didn't know it until about a week later.

9. I have scars on both corners of my mouth from pimples that I get every month (ya...pms related pimples...didn't get many pimples as a teenager, but now in my 30th's i get them in the same spot every month and they have left scars) I hate them.

10. I have a deep scar in the center of my back that I have no idea how I got it. It has been there most of my adult life.

11. I have a scar in between my left thumb and pointer finger that I received when using a small rotary cutter to cut the thread inside a bobbin. Not a wise thing to do... especially when you are the teacher in a sewing class and you are supose to be an example of safety procedures.

12. I have 3 scars on both knees that I have received from getting carpet burns while having sex on the floor.

13. My most recent scar is on the top of my head. Many of you know that I received this scar from a fall this past November. I received a 1 1/2 inch cut from hitting my head on the door to my garage as a result of this fall.

Cranberry Chunk Cookies

Cranberry Chunk Cookies
Originally uploaded by WakingUp~R E E S E~

Recipe for Cranberry Crunch Cookies

1 1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
3/4 cup vegetable shortening
1 egg
1/3 cup milk
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
3 cups quick oats, uncooked
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 cup dried cranberries
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts

1. Heat oven to 375 degress F. Grease baking sheets (I prefer baking these on an ungreased baking stone.

2. Place brown sugar, shortening, egg, and vanilla in a large bowl. Beat at medium speed of electric mixer until well blended.

3. Combine oats, flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Add to shortening mixture; beat at low speed until blended. Stir in raisins and walnuts.

4. Drop dough by rounded measuring tablespoonfuls 2 inches apart onto prepared baking sheets.

5. Bake one baking sheet at a time at 375 degrees F for 10 to 12 minutes or until cookies are lightly browned. Do not overbake. Cool 2 minutes on baking sheet. Remove to cooling racks to cool completely.

Makes about 2 1/2 dozen cookies

kids and cookies

kids and cookies
Originally uploaded by WakingUp~R E E S E~

Today I posted my very first 52 Weeks, my kids and me! I will try to use it as a journal of what the kids and I are up to over the next year of our lives. At the end of the year I am planning on creating a photo book of the postings with the journaling to go along with it.

This first one is of the kids and I enjoying cookies that Alexis and I made together. They are Cranberry Crunch cookies. The recipe is actually an Oatmeal Raisin cookie recipe, I just added dried cranberries instead of raisins They have walnuts in them as well. I didn't care for the recipe so much and the next time I make them I will use a different recipe that I prefer over this one. Anyhow, what was important was doing this with Alexis.

Levi actually wouldn't eat the cookies. He will not eat anything that is good for him. I say good and mean it.... these were made out of whole wheat flour, so they are not too bad... and the cranberries are healthy as well.

Since I am on the topic of Levi's eating habits, I must also say that dinner with him is such a challenge. It is hard to get him to eat anything other than peanut butter and jelly or cereal. I try and try to get him to eat what I fix. I am making head way and will not give in.