228/365...And the award for the most fashionable teacher goes to....
Originally uploaded by WakingUp~R E E S E~
I do feel that I have the wisdom that comes with my age. I have lived a full life and have had my challenges. I have grown from these challenges. There are some challenges that I am still learning and growing from. That is one of self-acceptance.
I want my 37th year to be one of personal growth. One in which I learn to love myself as I am… learn to see myself as others see me. I am going to commit to not compare myself to what media portrays as the “perfect woman”. I am going to accept what I should know: That I am a wonderful person: a wonderful, loving mother, a beautiful woman, A sensual woman, a classy woman.
Last spring I embarked on a photo-taking journey to record the daily me. I joined 365 Days on flickr. I joined this group for couple of reasons… (One) a journey in self-acceptance and (two) a journey in learning photography skills. There have been some days that picking up the camera and taking a picture of myself was the last thing I wanted to do. I missed a number of days in the Fall of 07 while I was suffering from various illness… one of which being depression.
As I look back at the photos I notice that I have gained some skills. I am happy with where I am at with my new photography skills. I have lots to learn, but I have learned a great deal and love it.
I look back at my photos about me. I have noticed a few things. One is my smile. When my smile is genuine it is a bright and beautiful thing to me. I see a sparkle in my eyes when it is a genuine smile. I have noticed that there are days that I just do not smile. That is the me that I don’t enjoy seeing. That is the me that I hope people don’t see.
Over the past few months I have thought a lot about what people say to me… the compliments that they give me about whom I am as an individual. They say I am beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, sexual, and sensual. I have wondered where this comes from. The majority of the time I do not see myself that way. I have told people that I am not those things. But I have begun to realize that if I continue to tell people that I am not those things then they are going to stop seeing me as those things. Instead of trying to convince them that I am not those things, I have decided that I need to start trusting their opinion of me… start believing in the me that they see. If I can open my heart and believe in myself the way they believe in me, WoW what a new world it will be for me.
Trust is a big thing for me right now in my life. It is a something I value, but something that I have a hard time doing. For years I lived in an emotionally abusive marriage. One in which there was no trust. My husband cheated on my several times. I did not trust him and I did not believe in myself because of it.
I believed that I wasn’t good enough because my husband went elsewhere to have his needs fulfilled. It is something that is hard to get over… it takes times. A lot of false beliefs were developed during those years.
I covered up the wounds and kept myself busy during those years… didn’t allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t feel happiness, I didn’t feel pain. I look at it as covering a wound with a band-aid but not treating the infection. My life was infected… infected with a very unhealthy relationship.
I had the belief that I had to give my marriage my all… not give up. When problems started to surface in my marriage we decided to stick together but the major mistake at that time was that we didn’t address the issues. They were just swept under the rug… they were there, but not seen. This made matters worse… the infection grew, but just covered with more band-aids.
Without going into too much detail, I will just say that I on the surface I carried on like I was okay. I was a mother, a wife, and a career woman. My life was busy…. Very busy. If I slowed down it was miserable, because I could feel the pain.
One day my brother asked me if I was happy. For the first time in 6 years, I looked into myself and said NO, I was not happy.
I left what was making me unhappy. Leaving was only the first step. I have over come many things since leaving that relationship. And it was hard. There have been hard times since and there are still hard times to come.
As a birthday present to myself, I am going to dedicate this next year to learning to love myself again. I have already started. I look back over the past 3 years since leaving my ex husband and see key points along the path that I have taken a glimpse within myself and have seen who I truly am. I want to have more than a glimpse. I want to have those moments more than once every few months. So this year I am giving myself the gift of self-love. I am going to improve my relationship with myself and in turn my relationship with my children and others.
So, join me in wish myself a Happy Birthday! To my 37th year! May if be the best yet! With many more to come after that!
No comments:
Post a Comment